Monday, January 28, 2008

No Luck

Over the holidays I met a really good guy online. He responded to an ad I had posted about looking for the one. He was so floored, he wrote a great response back.

We exchanged a few emails; then we exchanged our numbers and eventually spoke on the phone. Our first conversation was great. It lasted about 40 minutes. He seemed so engaged and we seem to see eye to eye on a number of things.

Our schedules didn't mesh, so we eventually arranged a date. I met him up in his neighborhood. We ate and spoke about various things. And at the end, he gave me a hug and said next time we'd meet in my hood for dinner.

A week passed, no call. I finally emailed him; we set up a date. Then he canceled because something came up with his friend. I haven't contacted him since. I assumed since he canceled that he'd call to set up a new date. It's been about 3 weeks; no call or emails.

I'm a little bit saddened. He seemed to be so interesting, engaging, and with a good head on his shoulders. And he seemed interested. Alas, he does not appear to be anymore. I had thought that going after an older guy I could avoid these head games. After all, they're experienced at dating, and chances are they are done with games. I stand corrected!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Sight of Grey

I've discovered a gray hair! There it was -- my bedhead staring back at me while I washed my face. I wasn't sure, so on the glasses went, and sure enough, the gray was there.

No I did not pluck it out. I wore it with grace. And I'm soon to turn another milestone birthday. It is a sign that I'm getting older.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

On The Ex, part ii

Tonight, the ex called. He was caught in a relationship quandary: he just broke up with one guy and went back to dating someone else from his past; each offers something that he wants but neither offers all that he is looking for. What is a boy to do?

Conflicted, he wanted me to help him think through things. With the fresh ex, he connected on an emotional level. They could talk for hours and feed off each other in so many ways. But this guy has no desire to have a career, to move up in the world and be able to buy nice things. The new boyfriend (who incidentally is a former boyfriend) has his career in line, his head on straight, and really cares about him. If he were to ask, the guy would go to the ends of the Earth for him. But there is that spark that's missing.

My advice to him: move on. Neither is right for you. "Come back to me," I jokingly tell him. I know our relationship is never going to go back to what it once was, but still, it was something funny to offer him because I already embody all the things he wants. But somehow, it's just never going to work out between the two of us.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Vengence is Mine

I recently got a call from a dear friend. Life has been a bit rough on him.

Six months ago, E broke up with his boyfriend. Their relationship had started to sour 6 months prior and well the boyfriend is a serial dater and had already migrated to greener pastures. No sooner than the weekend after they official broke up, the boyfriend (who had incidentally spent the past 6 months buffing up), instantly had a new guy. The new guy would move in days later.

E was very upset. His work was not going well. And how his personal life was no better. He hadn't made many friends outside of the relationship. So E focused all of his energy inwards. He hit the gym at least 5 days a week first focusing on losing body fat, then working his way through the other parts. He eventually worked up to running a marathon not too long ago. He looks fabulous now and is even starting to see new boys. He's bought a new condo. Things are just looking on the up and up for him.

I'm glad to see that he's channeled all this anger into something so positive for himself. Now if I can only channel all of my angst into going to the gym rather than coming home from work exhausted, I'd probably be much happier.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year

So this blog is now two years old.

I had started it initially when on New Years Day 2006, I found vodka frozen in my ice cube tray courtesy of my drunken, drugged out roommate who was literally drinking and pissing away his inheritance. It was my way of keeping track of my musing along the way -- he often made me laugh about how carefree his life was: eat, sleep, drink, fuck, snort, poop, peep.

In the two years, I've moved on. I've focused on my work. And that's about it. Am I any happier today than two years ago. No.

Truth be told, I'm feeling a little lonely this City of millions of people. I haven't connected as often with people as I've liked. No the City has not swallowed me and spit me back up. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I've know so many people who have come here and not made either professionally or personally. I'd like to think that I've made it professionally. I'm at a point in my career where I can feel I can plateau and wait for a while. There is not another rung to be climbed -- more like mini steps to build.

On a personal note, I'm still single but I have a small core group of guys I hang out with and am content when I am with them. We keep ourselves entertained and engaged, and we've vacationed together. Would I be happier if I were dating? I'm not sure. I've seen so many relationships fail, I really don't want to participate in this losing battle.

What a downer of a thought for the New Year? Afterall, I am sitting here on the verge of a new year alone, avoiding the crowds and the drunken mess because I wanted to reflect for a minute what I want to do with my life.

There is so much to contemplate for the coming year. 1) Do I really want to go back for a masters? 2) Can I really focus on my body and my looks? 3) Do I want to leave NY? 4) Where will I end up next?

I've thought about school often lately. I fancy myself an academic, studying the theories of things that are and what may be. And often, I have seen myself teaching at the collegiate level. As they say, those who can do, and those who can't teach. But for me, I've done it. I think I'm tired now and I want to teach. But first, a masters is in order.

I've tried before trying to refocus on making my body more fit. It always fails. I always find excuses. But this year, I've earmarked money in my flex spending account to get a little skin resurfacing done, to get Lasik for my eyes, and perhaps, just perhaps a little lipo for the problem areas. That money is gone unless I spend it. Hopefully, it will give me the courage to go out there and do it.

When I moved to the City many years ago, it was supposed to be a temporary thing: to get NY out of the system. Years later, I've overstayed my intentions. The City has drawn me in like an addiction. There are so many things I love about NY, but there are so many that hate about it at the same time. Hate is such a strong word, but there are parts of the City experience that still makes me sick to my stomach. I want to move back.

But that now begs the question of where I want to be. Do I go back with my parents and start my own business? It is a leap of faith into total darkness. I have no idea what kind of business I want to be in nor if I can generate a stable income from that. I have often thought about the West Coast where I often feel more at home. But again, I'm not certain what type of job I would like to pursue there and for how long.

Oh so many things to think about in the coming months!